Saturday, June 17th, 2023
GPSD Men’s Soccer Divisional Championship
Yukon vs Bollocks
2:45 pm
Full Photo Album Here:
https://www.icloud.com/sharedalbum/#B0sGWZuqDoD5Wp
Yukon Player Review
Comprised of a Who’s Who of Central Catholic throwbacks, OG PDX Club Soccer players, and interlopers from somewhere else, Yukon FC takes the field to defend their D3 Summer Championship from 2022 as follows:
#1 – Sean Cianni – Goalie. The round mound who gives up no rebounds. Don’t let his diminutive stature fool you. Dude comes up with Big Time saves on the regular to get his team into a position to defend their title.
#2 – Mike Raffaelle . F. “Mikey’s Got It.” Mike knows his role as a spot substitute and champion drinker. Both the team and the pub sponsor appreciate his frequent contributions to the kitty.
#4 Jesse Arnold – Center Back. The silent assassin. Nobody can quite recall the last time they heard Jesse utter a word. Quite the antithesis to his time revving Harleys during the offseason. But opposing forwards hear footsteps when in a race for a through ball in Yukon’s defensive half of the field.
#5. Michael Pusch. D. Yukon’s Franz Beckenbaur. Just like when we were kids, if you are lucky to have a foreign exchange student, then you’re bound for better success. This German, by way of East Portland’s Reynolds HS, is an ever-present in the heart of Yukon’s defense.
#3 Lloyd Pollard – Outside back. Lloyd plays a controlled game. Stays within his limits. Is as reliable, and relatable, as a teammate who keeps it all in perspective. This is D3 O40 soccer after all. Expect nothing less or more from the big fella.
#7 John Stupek – Center Mid. Sandbagger. Let’s be real. Every team who contends in the lower divisions pin their hopes on their D1 level players showing up to offer a measure of quality. John is a ball winning and distributing CM who elevates the play of those around him.
#8 Frank Caropelo. Outside mid. “The General.” Spends his day job as Superintendent of Schools at a local district. Prioritizes his responsibilities accordingly in order to take his opponents ‘to school’ on this Gladstone HS pitch.
#9 Brad Paymar. Center Mid. “Bad Brad” or the “Bradinator.” Equally capable to move the ball with precision or to deliver the Boom to win it back.
#10 Brennan Burns. Forward. “Brenaldo.” With stepovers, backheels and flicks in his bag of tricks, he’ll pop up with the occasional goal finished with as much panache and flow as his locks trailing in the breeze.
#11. Ryan Shurtliffe. MF. Plays through pain. You name an joint or appendage, it’s currently injured on Ryan’s body. Doesn’t stop him from committing his whole heart and soul into his performance. Pain threshold off the charts.
#13 Raviv Brar. Forward. Yukon’s leading scorer. Relentless offensive pressure, timely runs and deft finishing through a variety of ways put him firmly atop the match day squad as an automatic selection.
#18 Ryan Busse. D/MF. Plucky. Underestimate him at your peril. Nothing fancy. But makes few mistakes. Has scored only a few goals in his time. Although memorably, one was a championship winner in years gone by.
#19 Brian Sonnichsen. M/F/D. Do it all box-to-box player. Dangerous weapon on free kicks and corners. Equally adept at defending as scoring. Low center of gravity and full-hearted commitment frequently sends him sprawling. Often tests the referees interpretation of the ‘No Slide Tackle’ Rule.
#20 Nate Kuhns. D. Dependable outside defender. Avoids heading the ball at all costs. Instead, has perfected the art of the Atomic Shoulder. Moonlights as a GPSD referee. Therefore prevails as the cooler head when his teammates lament the quality of refereeing commensurate to the quality of play.
#39 Eddie Matsuoka. MF. New addition to Yukon this season. Integrated well into the system through midfield rotation. Moves the ball effectively. Encouraging teammate. Bright future as a contributing member of the club going forward.
#42 Hagen Moore. D. Epitomizes the OG. Founding member of the club. Arguably was playing for the Yukon FC before it was even conceived. Don’t let his portly composition fool you. Still has a quick turn and deft touch that baffles unsuspecting opponents.
#44 Ian Burns. MF. Brother of the team manager. But no nepotism here. Has earned his position through hard running and healthy habits. Good for short, but intense shifts, that offer a stunning change of pace to disrupt opponents’ comfort zone.
# Greg Labovich. D/MF. Converted goalie to field player. Acquits himself as if he played midfield all along. Arguably most effective set-piece and crosser of the ball. Is the perfect Yin-Yang type who both practices Yoga and screams at his teammates.
# Ryan Johnson. MF/F. Another willing athlete who sacrifices the body for the team. Wins the ball through challenges, headers or whatever it takes. Penetrating runs going forward compounds his disruption upon opponents.
# Dallas Rhomberg. MF. Like John Stupek, his engine room colleague, oozes class more than a level above his D3 teammates. Reads the game. Delivers the pass. Clinical finisher. Yukon is always favored when Dallas makes his appearance.
Bollocks Player Reviews
FC Bollocks come into today’s match drenched in tradition as resplendent as a
hungover frat boy’s sweat. Over the course of nearly 25 years, the side have changed
faces, team names, divisions, and sponsor taverns. However, one thing has remained
unchanged: a style of play as colorful as the language they use. Bollocks, from the
English phrase “the dog’s bollocks” means “top notch” and was adopted as the team
name due to its frequent utterance after passes, attempts on goal, and spilled pitchers.
Led by their mercurial (mercurial means “rapidly aging and deteriorating in ability”,
right?) defender Jeff “No Nickname” Lucas, Bollocks are an alchemy of a core of
players who have been together for 15 years and a collection of cast-offs from
unappreciative teams who don’t happen to be playing for a championship today. Could
this group be the one that takes the extra step and returns Bollocks to the championship
glory that has eluded them for the better part of a decade? (hey, who’s cutting onions in
here?) Now, let’s take you down to the pitch for player introductions and the exchange
of pre-game unpleasantries . . .
Jeff Lucas. Defender , Club elder statesman Gemini. Once wore jean shorts to a
game . Been on the team 21 years
Turn ons: scrapbooking, animal husbandry, hangin’ with friends
Turn offs: rude people
Colin McDonnell #1. Goalie
Big body. Solid positional play. Good shot stopper . Occasionally beat over the top.
Been playing for Bollocks since 1998. Once left the field in an ambulance BUT they did
not score.
Jay Tucker Defender,
solid positional play, wins balls and contains well, lacks high end pace “even though I’m
bald now, I used to rock a dope mullet”
Geoff Harvey. Outside back
Savvy veteran defender . Known for good service out of the back and a quick toe
punch to defuse offensive opportunities , Has good pace for 50, quality player
Ben Burwitz. Versatile player Midfielder/ Forward ,
Productive everywhere on the field. Big dude, he’ll put a body on you, good in
possession , will score when the opportunity arrises
Scott Vinson . Spirited defensive midfielder
takes people off the ball, fights for possession , sees passes attacks the ball,
occasionally scores , essential energy player , team spark plug, helps stabilize
possession
Nic Callero Forward ,
Reliable and consistent goalscorer . Broke his leg playing for Bollocks and has since
returned to rise again. Patient offensive player, sees the field . More concussions than
the team has goals
Grant Engler Forward / Outside Midfielder
Fastest player on the team. Gets behind the defense , usually sends good service ,
able to stretch opponents back line . Tenacious runner, Sometimes scores sometime
squanders the numerous chances his raw athleticism creates . Once missed multiple
months due to a botched vasectomy
Evrim Icoz Central midfielder
fiery possession midfielder from Turkey , Loves the game, good w possession ,
converted forward who sees passing lanes , often in heated exchanges with the
opposing team , plays with heart , hard work , good communication . Good soccer
brain . Never committed a foul in his life, just ask him
Marc Daniel Domond — MD. “The Haitian Sensation”. Solid midfielder/ Defender
Good ball winner , Keeps possession , Rock solid soccer brain . Strong body to
dispossess the other team . Helps build out of the back . Recovering from a torn achilles
Travis Crenshaw Midfield/Defense
Solid soccer awareness , dispossessor , aerial ball winner , helps build out of the back
Ben Efran/ Forward.
Team’s leading scorer , good one touch finisher , rarely beats people off the dribble
but makes runs off the ball and gets the last touch . Attacks the ball in the box. Scores
more goals than you would think he should, junk collecting poacher, good offensive
anticipation . Can disappear for large swaths of a game, needs to check back and get
more involved, getting over covid from last week
Matt Nye Midfielder/ Defense
Solid two way player, dispossessor who builds out of the back. Football enthusiast , big
soccer brain , sees the field
Lambao (Larry) – Mister Everything . Plays goalie, defense and midfield. Hardworking
utility player. Fiery communicator , sometimes takes chances and goes on walkabouts
as a goalie . Originally from Vietnam
Joe Supuni Forward/Attacking Midfield .
Great skills, keeps possession, builds attacks , scores goals , fit , active , integral
player , originally from Malawi
Dil – Forward/Outside Midfield Savvy Veteran , Scores goals , nice shot , led the team
in goals a couple seasons ago, getting older and doesn’t always hustle to get behind the
ball when playing midfield
Derek Holmgren – Defender/Midfield
Swiss army knife, Can play all positions , great soccer brain , good in possession , often
plays defense and builds out of the back. Important glue player